Short Stories

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." ======= The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the sup...

A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die," she replied.

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” “And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?” Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”