Short Stories

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name? Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever be...

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.” The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. =================== A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days." =================== A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’ Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception. Man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" ================= A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800...

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. ------------------- As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ============== A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is...

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure eno...

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!", exclaimed the guy. The barman replied: "Yes!" So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?", inquires the guy. "Four cents", he replies. "Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!"

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different ****," he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said,...

Bob visited his friend Joe s house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several times how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and kisses. "Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you really make a big fuss over your wife." "I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage, and we couldn t be happier." Inspired by Joe s story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead she burst into tears. "Darling," Bob said, "whatever s the matter?" "This has been the worst day I ve had for a long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you come home drunk!"

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy fe lt not a twinge. Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying on his door step groaning in pain.

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I d love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress s...